When I was a little suffering child I made up stories to explain my suffering. What did I know? Nothing. But I just made up stories to explain as would and do little children. This, I now know, is what we humans do.
But we are not aware. And now finally, a lifetime later I see the truth, i.e., that these "stories" were absolutely not true!!!!! They were just stories, thoughts. Yet I also now see how these "stories," thoughts have kept me stuck now all my life!!! They were so scarry!!!!
The most powerfull "story," thought, belief, schema, was/is that "God is punishing me;" "God will punish me." I in effect believed that all my misery and unhappiness was because "I was something vile, repulsive and deserving of punishment and that God was therefore punishing me. That my misery was God punishing me and that I deserved punishment!!!! Horrendous.
In truth now as an adult I understand well how suffering was unconsciously passed down through 5 generations and more through my family to me!!! And yet this powerfull "schema" God is going to punish me of which I was unaware for decades kept me stuck and stll keeps me stuck!!! Everytime I want to do something 4 me and from and of my divine and profound self, the true and real me, I get terrified, paralyzed, and overwhelmed "God is going to punish me!" This has completley held me back in life from self actualizing, why we were born!!!!
And yet, on the other hand, it forced me into myself deeper and deeper to find the true me and the truth to escape from this horrible "bondage," the true and only bondage, the bondage of delusion, powerfull false thoughts, beliefs and schemas, and family trauma and suffering passed on in different forms through generations in the family. 30 plus years later now all my suffering and lostness is turning into understanding, awareness, compassion, profound wisdom, love, healing, and the fruit of all fruits: i.e. transcendence itself!!!!! I have finally found my Self and put it where it belongs: first, above all and everything, the profound truth!!! The God within as some call it, except that there are not two ( me and the higher power) but one, the Self alone. The higher power is real and also eternal I now know as well.
All of this is bringing Maria along on her healing, spiritual growth life journey!!!
I am gradually incinerating all these false and delusional entrenched thoughts and schemas and thought systems that have kept me trapped all my life. I now see one can only underestimate them. Its like being in a prison truly. You keep seeing and experiencing the past in effect when in the profound truth that "constructed past", that profoundly entrenched story created early in life was just a story!!!!!!!!!! It was not true even then, and its not true now!!!!!!!!!!
I am smelling my freedom!!!!! I am feeling my healing. I am. Some people call this "awakening." Implying that one was figuratively asleep, in a dream before. And just like one in a dream of sleep believes that dream to be true while in the dream, in this "dream while awake," I profoundly believed the truth of it reacting to "it," the awake dream, as if it were and is real!!!!!!! A tragedy but for the truly silver lining of this profound wisdom, understanding, and compassion I am and have gained and am gaining. What profound compassion for my self!!!
Who knew as a little child all this? Who could know as a little child all this? And yet through grace, the higher power in which I never believed as a child because how could such a higher power allow an innocent child to suffer so? I have infact awakened and am awakening from the nightmare that was very much, thankfully, just a dream. To the question why would a loving higher power let an innocent child suffer, I answer, so that that child could grow its consciousness, awareness and know the profound, transcendent truth of its own Self, identity and the nature of all there is which ends all suffering. And of course like most everything, one has to continue working to continue to reap the benefits of all this hard and loving work.
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